Scrapbooking!

I have taken on this fun project for my kids for Christmas. I am making them some scrapbooks. Ahh! I have had so much fun looking at all my memories of Chelsie. She is in so many photos. Kissing or Hugging one of us. I love it! I remember how much she loved making her scrapbooks. I love the little things we still have to hold on to her. Pictures, Her C.D.s to hear her voice, her journals, and our memories. The Lord gives us blessings in all trials.

Vanished

She died--this was the way she died; and when her breath was done,
Took up her simple wardrobe and started for the sun.

Her little figure at the gate the angels must have spied,
Since I could never find her upon the mortal side.

I meant to find her when I came; Death had the same design;
But the success was his, it seems, and the discomfit mine.

I meant to tell her how I longed for just this single time;
But Death had told her so the first, and she had hearkened him.

To wander now is my abode; to rest--to rest would be;
A privilege of hurricane to memory and me.

--Emily Dickinson

The Browns had our big family reunion this last month, and it's always nice to get the whole crazy group together, but since Chelsie died I always have a gnawing feeling of absence. Funny, I never feel it at other times, but when we're all together, it always pops up in the back of my mind that there's someone missing. I thing growing up in a big family, you get in the habit of taking rollcall in your head whenever you're together, even as one of the kids, cause it's too common to miss somebody and leave them (at Thunderridge. Barefoot. Running down the street. Mother.)

Anyway, when I was home, I took the opportunity to ransack some of my storage boxes I have hanging out at home. When I was a kid, I used to collect these little wooden carvings they make in Mexico, and I had quite a few. I remember being really proud of them, they had all these little appendages and horns and wings, and I had them on display in my room. Anyway, one summer, my little sisters played with them when I was at school, and broke off a lot of the little parts. I got home and had a little 14-year-old meltdown, and then tried to patch them together. I glued most of the pieces back together, but some of the holes had pieces snapped off in them, so you couldn't stick anything in them again. I put them together as best they could, and really, no one else would have noticed a difference, but after that, everytime I looked at them all I saw were the broken pieces, and they just didn't seem that special anymore. Eventually I packed them up into a closet somewhere. Funny how missing just one little wooden piece could make the whole thing seem so incomplete.

My sister's hands

My sister's hands are fair and white; my sister's hands are dark
My sister's hands are touched with age, or by the years unmarked
And often when I pray for strength to live as He commands
The Father sends me sustenance in my sister's hands

My sister's hands are lined and worn with burdens of their own
And yet I know that should I mourn, I need not weep alone
For often as I seek His grace to lighten life's demands
The Father sends me solace borne in my sister's hands

My sister's hands: compassion's tools that teach my own their art
Witnesses of charity within the human heart
Bearers of the Savior's love and mercy unto man
I have felt the Master's touch in my sister's hands

I heard this song and couldn't stop bawling. I am so thankful for all
that Chelsie gave us. I miss her so much! Our Sister Forever.

I was working in the pediatric ICU this weekend, and there's a little boy there who's essentially waiting to die. His organs have stopped working, and everytime I'm at work we have a couple false alarms when he stops breathing, but his parents have asked us to not intubate him. Anyway, this night he had a quiet night, and I went in early in the morning to check on him. I went into his room, and his brother and sister and parents were all in the room sleeping. His brother and sister had crawled into the bed with him, and the image of them all sleeping in that little bed was so striking. We get used to treating our sick patients like fragile broken dolls, but these kids were all intertwined with each other, with IV lines and GI tubing snaking inbetween their legs and arms. The little girl's hand was flopped across her sick brother's face. For some reason, it made me think of Chelsie. I think the older I get, the better I get at interacting with people without really seeing them. The busier you get, the more parts of you life you put on autopilot. There are quite a few people I've known and worked with for years, and yet they still feel like strangers because I've never spent time really getting to know them. The one thing I remember most about Chelsie, was when you were with her, she was so present. She never glanced away in the middle of a conversation. She never responded with nice conversation fillers. She was able to connect with the conversation, and force you to be present too. She was never on autopilot with anybody, and I really loved that about her.

Tyler

Chelsie,
Hey, I really miss you. I often think about where you would be today. Putting this down in here is hard. A true friend like you is hard to find. I remember most today your friendship. I think about how you called to chat so often and how I knew you so well. In the end your perspective on life was so right on the mark. It's hard not to see you, hear from you, know what's going on, what's going on... Makes me think about making sure I'm doing the right things. I know you are in a good place. There is a spot missing here you filled. Love, Ty

Happy Birthday Chelly!

This year I was trying so hard not to be sad I wanted to have a nice day and think about what a good life Chelsie had. I had a few moments I will admit but overall it was a really good day. I got to go to Wicked for the first time. Chelsie and I stayed up many a night talking about Wicked I felt like I already knew every line to the play but I noticed a few things that she convinenly left out so I could be surprised :) I felt so close to her and cried through a lot of it. It was amazing I will never forget it!!! You will always be my Elphaba! Thank you Chel for being so passionate. I love you Happy Birthday!!!

Keslee's Memories

I like to listen to Chelsie's song (For Good) and when I sing with it I think about Chelsie in Heaven listening to me.

Brixton's Memories

I think she is so pretty. I luv her eyes!

Another year gone by....

Well... she would have 21 this year. It seems like so long ago since we saw her. I am getting better... there are some days that I don't think about her but then there are other days that I think to much about her and I burst into spontaneous tears. It is so hard to lose someone you love.
For her birthday, we decided that we need to focus one day on her life and not her death. We always have a special dinner of artichokes, shake and bake chicken, sparkling cider, and rainbow chip cake. All her favorites. When she was sick, that is all she wanted. Then we go around the table and talk about our feelings concerning Chelsie. It is interesting to see what my kids remember about her. Some of the stuff has been after she died. I love it. It makes me feel so close to her. Then we talk about what we will do on her birthday. We each choose something that is very hard to do and ask Heavenly Father for help that day. And even, if he will send Chelsie to help us. It has been so comforting and healing for us. I truly believe that she does help us when we need it. And I know she appreciates our thoughts about her. I love her and hope she had a great birthday on the other side.

Whitney's Day

Whitney had the opportunity to sing in a morning side on Chelsie's Birthday. "Tis even Tide" People said she sounded a lot like Chel and she reminded them of Chelsie. What a sweet compliment. Chelsie sang at her senior morning side too. Then me and Whitney got to go to the Temple that evening.

Ethan's Memories

I liked it when we would go to Grandma's house and we would talk to Chelsie and she never said I don't know.

Janessa's Memories

I miss chelsie because she was so fun and what I rember was how she use to be so fun to play with. My favorite memory of her is on my babtism when we were all together the whole family. I love her so much.

Dallin's Memories

I remember Chelsie used to laugh. She is so funny and she used to play funny games with me.

MaKenna's Memories

I want to tell her that I can do good in Kindergarten and I can read. And I miss Chelise's blue eyes. I love you.

Brinley's Memories

I think Chelsie is so nice and pretty. I love her so much and miss her!

Chandler's memories

I miss playing with chelsie and following her example I want to be with her someday

Kambria's Memories!

I miss hearing you sing! I want to sing with you someday!

Birthday Memories!

We all miss Chelsie so much! I have so many memories that I am thankful for! I have loved going to the temple the last two years to feel her closer to us. I am so thankful to know that we can see her someday! We miss you Chel!

Chelsie's Bug

The other day I saw a red bug. I just started crying. I loved her in that car! I will always remember how excited she was when dad bought her the new Lexxus. She had so much fun car shopping. She was so excited to look forward to the day when she would drive her new lexxus. But I will always remember her in the bug...Chelsies Bug!

Christmas

It was a hard Christmas with out Chelsie this year. I miss seeing her so much! She was always so excited to have everyone come home for Christmas. She would call me and call me until we came over that day. Then if you ever had to leave she would beg you to stay. I miss her so much! I loved listening to her sing "Where are you Christmas." At school Kambria was doing a spotlight and she was asked who her favorite singer was, she said "Chelsie Brown". I am so thankful we have her music still. She left us with such wonderful memories.

Thanksgiving memories

I was just thinking about the time when everyone came to Everett to visit us for Thanksgiving. It was really foggy, cold and rainy (typical for Washington in Nov.) but they were camping in their RV:) Chelsie stayed at our apt. most of the time. I hadn't seen everyone for so long so I was so excited and me and Chel would stay up late talking about her love intrests and friends. I loved spending time with her. The night before Thanksgiving I had her and Whitney stay and we were talking about how Whitney loved Pumpkin Pie but no one else did so we never had it for Thanksgiving so we decided to make a pumpkin roll instead. So we went to the grocery store really late I didn't even have a jelly roll pan so we had to get everything and we stayed up pretty late trying to figure out how to make the pumpkin roll I think Whitney fell asleep or got bored even though this was for her and Chelsie just talked while I did most of it :) Ahhh the teen years! It was so fun to do it though and I have made one every year since that is kind of my Thanksgiving tradition I always remember that year my first pumpkin roll :) That was a really fun Thanksgiving for me to see my sweet family :)

Where Are You?

There are days like today, that I ache to feel you, to understand what you are trying to tell me. I wish the veil was thinner so I could really hear and see you. Are you really with us? Do you know what we are doing? Are you helping us? I want to believe that you are but I wish for a concrete answer. Are you happy without us? Do you have friends and family there that love you as much as we do? What is it like there? Are you too busy to be with us? Are you proud of us? Are you disappointed? Somedays when I ache so much for you that I don't think I can stand it, I listen to your songs on my headset and I feel so inspired but also so sad that it still brings me to tears and sobs. Will this ever get easier? When a trial comes to my life I listen to your songs and they give me answers. I can feel your answers through feelings not through the lyrics. I am thankful for the things you left us. Your patriarchal blessing, your music, your journals, and your fun personality. I am so thankful that I knew you. Keep trying to help us and we will keep trying to listen. We still need you!

Miss You

We miss you Chel! You have blessed our lives and taught us so much in the short time we were given with you. You are still here with us and this is your time to watch out for your family in a different way. We love you and will continue to miss you until that wonderful day when we meet again.

All in the Lord's Time

I just read this in a journal written by an amazing woman with five kids who just lost her husband from cancer a couple of weeks ago. I loved it and it helped me understand a little better why this happened to Chelsie and how I can handle it. I thought I would share it. Love ya- Teasha

This quote from Elder Scott I think really answers how I am feeling and processing this trial. I hope everyone can find peace in this quote:

True, enduring happiness, with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the greatest difficulties, will come as you center your life in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a secure ascent in the journey of life. That takes effort. While there is no guarantee of overnight results, there is the assurance that, in the Lord's time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and happiness will be yours. The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment.

Cravings

For Chels birthday I was trying to think about her and what she liked just to kind of have her in my heart the whole day. So I wanted to eat all her favorite foods so I was trying to remember her favorites I think it was sushi, artichokes and homemade chicken noodle soup and then I was remembering when we came to visit last April and we went to Millhollow for frozen yogurt for FHE. Chel rode home with us and she was so happy to finally be eating again so she was telling us all her cravings. We were driving her all around to figure out what she wanted first it was pizza we kind of talked her out of that one because we thought it would really upset her stomach then she wanted a hot dog so we got up to the drive in and she changed her mind again. She finally decided on a Soft taco from Taco Time. She just really wanted it so bad so we didn't try to stop her we got it and they forgot the ranch and she couldn't have her taco without ranch so we turned around to get the ranch. She really enjoyed that taco the whole way home she only could eat half of it. She actually threw it up that night but even after she did she said that was the best taco she ever had. It was her last taco she ever had. That was a fun memory of Chel.

Man this is hard! I really miss her it seems like I am thinking about her more now that time is passing. I can't believe it has been six months. It just doesn't seem real. Sorry this isn't a memory I am just writing my feelings. I can't belive that other people who have lost loved ones were grieving like this and I had no idea how painful it was. I just really miss her. Sorry this is sad :(

Spook Alley

I was talking to Whitney about this the other day and this memory is very vauge so bear with me. I remember my first year at college it was Halloween night we came by the house and Chelsie and Whitney had done this really extravagent Spook Alley in the back yard through the Forest. It was really Creative you walking through a tunnel and followed the trail in the dark and she had some of her friends scaring people it was so funny. Chelsie was so creative and I just remember thinking that really cool!!!

Year of Magical Thinking

I went to see Vanessa Regrave in the play "A Year of Magical Thinking," and it left me really thoughtful about Chelsie and the loss to our family. The play is about a woman who loses her husband and daughter in the same year. She talks about how, to cope, she resorted to "magical thinking," suspending her logic and reason to keep herself from grasping the full loss. So she would think things like, "This looks like a fun vacation, we'll have to go on that when Dean gets back." She tried throwing out his clothes, but couldn't because it meant he wasn't ever going to use them again. She made elaborate plans for the funeral, redid her apartment, organized all her files, thinking that she would have everything ready for when they got back. She pointed out that she didn't say to herself directly that they were coming back; and she wasn't expecting some miraculous resurection or mistaken identity. Just that she led her life in a way that would allow them to come back. It was the only way to survive for her. I just thought it was such a beautiful thing, because I feel very much the same. At the end of the play, she talked about the huge conflict in her emotions. She felt relief to be moving on and not weighed down with sadness, but she felt pain at having to let go of her family for good and admit to herself that she was alone and they weren't coming back. She said the last battle was finally admitting to herself that death was real. The play was a lot more eloquent than I can type here, but it really struck home how any reaction is normal, we all do what we have to shield ourselves from too much emotional pain, and that it all just takes time.

Disney World

In October 2006 we got to take Chelsie, Whitney and Dylan to Disney World. It was a bit scary because she had just had a treatment and was at her lowest blood count. The Dr.s were not happy with us. We had to call and have a Florida Dr lined up to check her blood the day after we got there. Anyway I am so glad we just did it anyway. We talked her into wearing a mask and gloves on the plane. She was really not liking that but she did it. It was a bit bad because we had gotten our tickets to disney world ahead of time and had to go 4 days so we had no time to stay home. So the 1st day at disney world we had Chelsie wear her gloves and mask and use a wheel chair. She got so she didn't mind. Sometimes, well lots of times people would star at us. Chelsie started to really get a kick out of doing this little wave by putting her hand up to her face and wiggling her fingers, she would kindof tilt her head to the side, at people like that. Then she would laugh. It made people quite uneasy to see that. We had the best, funnest, wonderful week. What a sweet gift to have that time together. It was also so great to find her wig that she felt really good in. By the end of the week she started having to wear it. And she look so cute and good with her new, thick, long hair. After the 2nd day of her wheel chair her blood count came back up and she got to just be Chelsie at Disneyworld.